Feelings; Thoughts; Emotions

Blood bumped throughout my entire body. My head rested between my knees as my shoulders heaved up and down to the beat of my heart. I was sitting against the wall on the platform overlooking our Olympic sized swimming pool - trying to catch my breath after a ten minute workout of intense running. When my breathing finally slowed down, I pushed my head back to look out towards the ripples gently forming on the water surface. From where I sat, the water looked so deliciously cold as if tempting me to take a giant leap from the banister and into its welcoming embrace. The mental image of my head hitting the bottom if I miscalculated the distance flashed through my head. Now that would be suicide, I gently chided to myself pushing the thought away. I sighed - and  after a moment or two my mind unintentionally drifted to the heartrending events of two days ago

          I came home that day to find my mother stressed out beyond her capacity  to the point where she threatened to - oh, I would rather not mention what she threatened - and me, being the stubborn idiot I am, refused to back down and accept my dad's decision of not letting me stay back for Toastmasters that day. 

"But I've always stayed back! He's never had a problem with it before!" - "Why am I being treated like a child all of a sudden?" - "This isn't bloody fair. Nobody else has to be chaperoned!" I trudged moodily around the house - feeling as though I'd been betrayed - not once realizing or it even occurring to me what my mother must be feeling because of all this. I always have been a bit stubborn when it comes to doing what I want. It's not something I'm proud of but rather ashamed especially when it concerns my parents. A vivid memory is of me as a four year old: standing against the cold pane of our empty house staring stubbornly out at my parents and older sister pulling out from the driveway and not saying a single word. 

        Things didn't get any better with me sulking about this new turn of events: my mother (may God bless her and grant her Janat Al Firdous) having been working the entire day and who was bone tired was in no mood to see me the way I was. It took just a single complaint to make her break down right in front of me - and that is when it hit me in the chest. Hard. My stubbornness and refusal to accept my father's decision had clouded my sight - my mother was distressed and it was MY fault. All because I was too selfish to accept a single decision which was probably for my own good anyway. I decided to do the unselfish thing - called up my professor - and told her I wasn't going to be able to make it that day (because if I did - my mother would have to come with me - and that would be asking too much from her) Even before I put down the phone, I could feel the prickle in my eyes and hear the crack in my own  voice - and once the line went dead - the tears came gushing out.

     I cried for at least an hour. The tears just wouldn't stop coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them. I cried for my mother and all the pain I'd caused her. I cried for being such a failure as a daughter. I cried knowing I'd never be able to make it up to her -  everything she's ever done for me. I cried because I try, I try so hard and yet it still is not enough. And yes I cried because I would not be attending toastmasters - and it kind of hurt knowing deep down that it probably wouldn't make a difference whether I was there or not.

     I stood up for Asr prayer and even then the tears kept trickling down my cheeks. When I mouthed the words "You alone we worship, and You alone we ask for help" - the tears intensified until my vision blurred and I could no longer see the floor in front of me. It felt like all my bottled up emotions - my disappointments, my anger, my sadness, my hurt were all being poured out in the form of water - like a tap left running. When I finally finished my prayer, I felt a lot calmer and my tears eventually subsided as if someone had reached out and gently closed the tap.

And my heart didn't hurt anymore.

    Looking back at it I think of myself as being rather silly - crying so much - when I've always prided myself at being strong. "Crying is a sign of weakness" or at least that's what I've always told myself. But I've come to realize that crying is how we know we care for someone - and to care for someone is probably the greatest strength a person can have.

Afterwards, my father sat me down and talked things

 through with me - we reached an understanding - at least for the time being.

Miracles DO happen.

"Mama! Have you seen my German book?"

"Didn't you take it to your grandparent's place?"

"Yes, but I'm sure I brought it back - and I can't find it anywhere!"

"It'll come up - don't worry"

This is kind of how the conversation went when I lost my German book in the middle of the semester. No matter where I searched - in my very messy closet, on my cluttered dressing table or even underneath the covers of my bed - I just couldn't find it. "How could a book that noticeable just ... disappear?" - "I must have dropped it on my way out of the car" "Or perhaps I left it at my grandparents place?" These were the thoughts that kept swirling through my head the entire time. A constant reminder that I was missing something and that if I didn't find it  as soon as possible, I was a goner. A number was dialed and my grandmother picked up on the other end. "No, dear, your book isn't here". I sighed as I placed the receiver back down. Every time I would rack my memory for the exact place where I had left the book when I had come home - I would be greeted with a black empty space and a headache.

The book seemed to have vanished.  Or at least that's the story I went with seeing as there was no other explanation.

 ***

The next day I walked towards my professor's office: twiddling my fingers as I knocked on her door and was welcomed in with a huge smile and a gesture to have a seat. My professor who can see right through me, knew this wasn't a spontaneous visit which is usually the case. I promptly related to her the entire situation, starting with the visit to my grandparent's place and ending with the disappearance of my German book.

"It's gone. Vanished into thin air!"

She just smiled at me.

"I was thinking perhaps I could buy another book from you?"

 She told me I could borrow a set until my copy turned up, on which I commented that it was very unlikely. Thanking her graciously, I exited the office.

 ***

Weeks passed and as expected my copy had still not turned up. Whenever it would cross my mind: I would remind myself of the money that was still due if I were to keep the borrowed one.

"180 riyals? - Maybe you should wait a little longer for your copy to turn up"

"It's not going to turn up. I even sent Salat ala Nabi* - nothing"  I shook my head disappointedly. "I'd love to have my own back but if I can't find it - I've got to pay the money"

***

It was the day of the final exam and right after completing my paper I made a bee line straight to my professor's office with my 500 riyal note in my pocket. Upon entering - I handed her the money, apologizing greatly for the late payment.

"Why, you didn't have to. I'd completely forgotten!" She exclaimed in surprise.

I smiled and replied: "But I never did"

Reaching into her wallet she realized after a moment that she didn't have any change and so told me to come back tomorrow.

***

As I sat revising for my exam the next morning I felt a familiar buzz against my side pocket and reached out to pull out my mobile. The caller ID read: Ma. Confused as to why my mother would be calling me when she knew I'd be in an exam in a few minutes: I pressed the receive button.

"Assalamualaikum?"*

Her voice filled my ear.

"Yumna, I found your German book"

---

Moral:  You never know when a situation in your life is a test - just do the right thing  and you will be rewarded in ways in which you can't even imagine. 

*Sending Salat ala Nabi (blessings on the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) helps during difficult times. 
*A Muslim greeting meaning: Peace be upon you. 

Everything happens for a Reason: Third Toastmaster Speech

Thought I'd share my speech which I gave at toastmasters that's held at my university. The objective of the third speech was to 'prove a point'. I hope you enjoy it. =) 

  There was once a king who had a very close friend. Now this friend of his had a habit of analyzing any situation whether it be good or bad and commenting on it by saying, "This is good, God knows best". Now it just so happens that one day, the king and his friend are on a hunting trip - the friend who is in charge of loading the guns hands the king his gun and when the king fires,  the gun backfires cutting off his thumb. The friend immediately comments on this by saying, "This is good. God knows best" The king who is standing there thumbless, is enraged by his friends words and yells, "No. It is not!" and orders his soldiers to put the friend in jail.

  A  year later the king is yet on another hunting trip this time in an area which is unexplored and it's just his luck that a group of cannibals capture him and take him back to their tribe. Now just when they're about to prepare the fire and wood, they notice the missing thumb. Being very superstitious people who refuse to eat anything that isn't whole, they untie the king and drive him out of the village. The king surprised at this, remembers his good friend and upon returning to his kingdom immediately goes to visit him in jail. Standing in front of him, he apologizes to his friend saying, "You were right, it was a good think that I lost my thumb, I am sorry for everything, and it was extremely wrong of me to sentence you to a year in jail" To this the friend smiles and replies. "No it was a good thing". The king opens his mouth to object, when the friend continues. "If I had  NOT been sentenced to jail, I would certainly have been with you on that hunting trip"

  Fellow Toastmasters, honorable guests, good evening. The thing is, a lot of the time we don't understand the wisdom behind why something happens the way it does. Especially in the case of something which we view as being bad, tragic, or harmful in some way. It could be an exam that you failed in, a relative who passed away, being accused of something  which you are completely innocent off, or even a physical accident. Most of the time we ask ourselves questions like, "Why me?" or "Why is this happening" and we have feelings of disappointment and regret  but what we don't realize is that this is what was supposed to happen and it is actually something that will benefit us in some way.

  Although initially I was going to give a more personal example I've decided to give a historical one instead for one reason: history is filled with stories many of which contain amazing  lessons which we can all benefit from and use in times of need. My favorite one being the story of Prophet Yusuf(peace and blessing be upon him) because although he was a messenger of God, one of the best of creations he too went through difficult times just like any of us.  

  If we look at Prophet Yusuf's story we can see it is full of hardships  one after another not only for Prophet Yusuf but for his family as well.  From the very beginning of the story you have a young  boy - being thrown into a well by his own brothers out of their hatred and jealousy for him and is left to die. You have his father who believes him dead and therefore loses his eyesight out of grief.  And although the boy is rescued and sold as a slave, he is later accused of seducing the wife of the very man who bought him  thus sentencing him to years in jail. However, if you fast-forward to the end of the story: not only does the boy become the king of Egypt's chief minister and is known for his gift of interpreting dreams but he is also given a position of power, authority and wealth, and the king even goes on to prove his innocence and removes all charges against him. And as the story progresses, Prophet Yusuf is reunited with his eleven brothers who apologize for their mistake, his parents and his father even gains his eyesight again.

  Now if you look at the sequential order of the story you can see that one thing led up to another. In order for Prophet Yusuf to reach the position that he was in the end he go to through each and every one of those incidents  - in order for the king to realize his talent of interpreting dreams and for him to gain that position of authority , he had to be put into jail. For him to be put into jail in the first place he had to be thrown into the well so that he could be sold to the Aziz family. 

 So everything that happened, happened for a reason.

  As long as you are doing your best, no matter what happens: even if the situation seems so utterly hopeless - remember the story of Prophet Yusuf and what he went through in order to get to where he was in the end.

  You see,  just because you can't see the point of something until after it has happened that doesn't mean there isn't a reason. And we must always remember that in the end God only does what is best for us. And  I would like to end with an Ayah from the Quran:  

                                             يَعْلَمُ مَا بَيْنَ أَيْدِيهِمْ وَمَا خَلْفَهُمْ وَإِلَى اللَّـهِ تُرْجَعُ الْأُمُورُ ) )

He knows what is before them, and what is behind them. And to Allah return all matters (for decision). 

Surah Al Hajj Ayah 76

Siblings

   So here I've watched The Hobbit for the second time in a row. Other than the fact it's a spectacular movie which I could watch a hundred times (just like I did with all three parts of LOTR - man, I really can't get how ANYONE could call them boring) and still not get tired of it - the rest of my siblings hadn't seen it yet. But when my younger brother walked in while I sat at my laptop watching a tutorial on HTML coding and announced that everyone was waiting for me to come join them, I have to admit, I was initially kind of annoyed. I really don't like being disturbed especially when I'm in that mood for learning (which isn't very often - usually I'd prefer to just curl up and go to sleep). Before I could tell him to leave me alone and go away, I  stopped for a second and reconsidered the relationship we have as siblings. Alhamdulilah, I could say I am very blessed indeed to be very close to my siblings - we share a bond that is thicker than blood - an unbreakable bond. Don't get me wrong, we most certainly have our ups and downs (you really don't want to see us get into a fight - I'm warning you, it's not pretty) but there is that understanding, that connection we share knowing we'd be there for each other when no one else is.

   I'm sure a lot of people have the same relationship with their siblings (I could be wrong though) - but I've realized that this connection isn't something that was just there - it was developed through little things such as watching a movie together, or sharing popcorn, or even discussing a favorite book. As trivial as these things may seem, it's what brings people closer. And it's certainly what brings us together. These opportunities that we are given to spend time with one other should not be wasted away, or considered unimportant but rather they should be held close to our heart and treasured for all times.

   We may not share the same personalities, or have the same outlook on things but what we do share is enough for us to put aside our differences and accept each other for who we are: a family.

World Peace and Unity

(وَالَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلِيَاءُ بَعْض إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُن فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ كَبِيرٌ)

( And those who disbelieve are allies to one another, (and) if you (Muslims of the whole world collectively) do not do so (i.e. become allies, as one united block with one Khalifah - chief Muslim ruler for the whole Muslim world to make victorious Allah's Religion of Islamic Monotheism), there will be Fitnah (wars, battles, polytheism, etc.) and oppression on earth, and a great mischief and corruption (appearance of polytheism)) - Surah Al Anfal Ayah 73

    Today as I sat down to memorize the last page of Surah Al Anfal (The Spoils of War) I came across this Ayah in the Quran and while reading the translation I was amazed at the wisdom and truth behind these beautiful words. SubhanAllah, the Quran is such a profound and amazing book and one of its miracles is that it is for all times, for all nations, and all types of people. It is a book that is a guide and a warning for all of mankind. So as I read these words I could see the state of the world being reflected in them with all of its bloodshed and oppression. Looking at the dire situation of even the Muslims today, we can see that we are anything but united. Our Muslim brothers and sisters are being killed every day in places such as Syria, Pakistan, Palestine, Burma and Iraq. Woman, children and men are suffering all over the world while we sit here judging each other and arguing over whether our neighbors are Muslims because they belong to a different sect. Rather we should put aside our differences, unite as one Muslim Ummah and hold tight to the rope of Allah if we want to achieve world peace. Allah says in Surah Al Imran:

وَاعْتَصِمُوا بِحَبْلِ اللَّـهِ جَمِيعًا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُوا...))

" And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah (i.e. this Qur'an), and be not divided among yourselves ... "

   The solution is so simple and yet so hard to carry out. You know how they say, it's easier said than done. But at a very basic level we can start amongst ourselves by strengthening our relationship with our creator: we can start by learning what our own religion has to say by reading and understanding the Quran - the miracle sent to mankind for all of eternity and the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him).

   Only then will we be able to achieve unity among ourselves and eventually the entire world.

(Just felt like sharing my thoughts. InshaAllah this has benefited you in some way - if anything good comes out of this, it is from Allah and if I have said anything wrong it is from me) 

The Significance Behind My Blog Name

Well, let's just say I'm very original and so copying my tumblr blog name and using it for this one just seemed quite appropriate. XD

Actually, I've always loved big furry cats - my dream as a kid (and it still is my dream) is to keep a baby cheetah as a pet, raise it and then ride it cheetah-back across the fields of Africa (and probably get arrested for animal abuse in the process :p)

But then why a tiger in particular, you may ask? I guess it's because I've always identified with Tigger from Winnie The Pooh who happens to be a tiger. Also: as a kid if I were to compare myself to any animal it would be a tiger because I'd be very easy to anger and you would certainly not want to be at the receiving end of my anger, hence "The Tiger Roars".

That being said: the Tiger Roars sounded rather epic to my ears and so I decided to reuse it instead of having to come up with another epic sounding blog name. XD 

    I really have no idea why I've decided to start this blog. Tbh, I've never been the type to share my feelings but rather I've kept them bottled up most of the time. The fact is, I never could get myself to write my thoughts down. It was too much of a drag. But I feel seeing as I've got too much free time on my hands I might as well do something useful with it - and what better way than to have my own blog and share my thoughts with the world. Okay, this is sounding cliché. But you get what I mean, right?

   Personally, I've always felt a blog is a way of reaching out to people and bridging the gap so that we can better understand each other. Also it's a way through I which I can improve my writing skills which I feel have gotten rusty ever since I started majoring in computer science. And yes, I'm a programmer or one in the making at least. Just don't ask me for any help, I'm still a beginner myself. =)

   So I guess this is just a small introduction as to why I've made this blog. Hopefully, this way I'll be forced to write more and inshaAllah whatever I write will have some benefit. So no, I don't plan to write random rantings, those shall stay in head as far as I know - unless I feel a strong urge to do otherwise. (Like ranting about how adorably cute cats are and how I don't get people not liking them XD JK.)