Have you ever felt ...

Have you ever felt as if you were isolated from the world and the people in it?

As if there was a barrier of glass between you and them.

You hear their voices and their laughter echoing around you - so close and yet so very distant.

You feel as if you're not really part of them. As if you don't actually belong. And that whether or not you were there - it wouldn't make a difference.

 You feel as if no matter how hard you try to just be yourself - it simply isn't enough. That you'll always be a mere shadow - forgotten and stepped on.

And then you wonder to yourself, is it worth it? To be surrounded by people who couldn't care less about your very existence.

And then you write corny lines to make yourself feel better and just end up sounding pathetic.

Yumna, Yumna, Yumna, for God's sake - stop being so depressed. :/*

Alright. Alright. But seriously though - I do feel like that sometimes no matter how hard I try not to. It's frustrating, tbh. And I know I shouldn't feel this way - especially when I have so much to be thankful for,  but deep down, I just can't help it at times. And I'm not writing this for pity or anything like that - I'm simply  letting out how I feel. (It was actually just an on the whim kind of thing) As to why I feel this way? I don't know. I'm a woman - we can't understand even ourselves. :p  Writing out my feelings though has certainly made me feel better ...  which is probably a good thing, right? ...

   Sigh. I need a break. A long one. Preferably by myself. Far, far, away. On the upside - I do have one week of vacation to look forward to - which is going to be filled with chocolate and sleep. <3 (Assuming that isn't ruined by tons of guests and an invasion of my privacy) Now, that will certainly be lovely.

Now I think I shall quit writing seeing as I probably sound like a depressed person who just needs a hug. 

*Yes, I talk to myself. Don't mind me. 

~ Memories ~ I remember.

I remember playing in the huge meadow that lay in front of my Aunt's house in Maryland.

I remember swinging higher and higher into the sky in the playground at our school.

I remember playing with the cats that belonged to the old Jewish lady who lived alone in the apartment above us.

I remember the walks to and from school - the revert crossing guard who would always have a candy cane ready for me and my sister.

I remember the long car ride from New York to Maryland where I insisted on sitting with my uncle and boring him to death by talking the entire ride - I was asleep when we finally arrived at our destination.

I remember the fights I used to have with my guy cousin - the games we used to play and the schemes we would come up with to find the pretzels (and other junk food) my aunt would hide from us.

I remember how my dad used to tie my hair into two pony tails - each one on either side of my head while listening to me recite Quran.

I remember the days and nights we spent at a dear friend's house who was Syrian: her two cats, the cold icy popsicles, being teased by her older brother and just listening to Aunty speak to mum in Arabic.

I remember standing outside ToysRUs, repeating Surah Al-Ghashiya after my dad in my attempt to memorize it so that he would buy me the tea set I always wanted.

I remember being bullied in first grade because I was too "quiet" and my classmates wanted a reaction out of me. I never gave them one.

I remember being asked why I never wore shorts to school.

I remember the Pizza party my second grade teacher, Mrs Quigley  held for me and my sister when we were leaving for Saudi - she made sure she ordered one with olives, just for us, so that it would be Halal.

I remember the neighbor's dog who would always come running up to our bus to greet us when we got home from school.

I remember the times we spent at the local Masjid: the events we would hold and the times we spent there with family and friends.

I remember the epic pillow fight we had with all our cousins in Maryland which we named "The Battle Of Badr".

I remember being driven home late at night when a drunk lady kicked the front of my dad's car at a red stop because we were "Muslim".

I remember being down right terrified when that happened.

I remember making snow angels in snow three feet deep - having a snow fight  - and helping to shovel the snow off of our driveway.

I remember visiting Sea World and being too afraid to touch the dolphins when I had the opportunity to.

I remember being spectator to an orca show I will never forget - where the largest orca whale attacked his trainer for forgetting to feed him his fish.

I remember riding my first cinemotion in Disney World and believing it was actually happening only to realize in the end that it wasn't possible for us to have reached Antarctica in a span of a few minutes.

I remember the cool breeze against my face and my hair flying in the wind as I cycled around the roundabout across from our driveway.

I remember irritating my cousin to the point where I had to be hung upside down by him to make me stop.

I remember bothering my uncle with endless questions of "Why?". "Why this" and "Why that?"

I remember the family gatherings we had, the laughter, the atmosphere, the excitement and joy.

I remember. I remember. I remember.

Okay, I think I shall stop now. :p This is just me reminiscing as usual about the memories I've had while living in America.  That thing is, my time in America has always been very precious to me. Perhaps it's because that's where I grew up - I pretty much spent the first seven years of my life there. It's surprising how even though I wasn't very old, the memories I have of the place are so vividly clear it's as if they occurred yesterday. I actually haven't been there for the past thirteen years ever since we moved here to Saudi Arabia, so I'm hoping inshaAllah that I do get to visit sometime in the future - perhaps even this year (Now, that would be exciting). Probably why it's been on my mind lately.  (The summer isn't too far away :p) What really saddens me though is that even if I did, nothing would be the same as it once was - neither the place nor the people and that makes my heart ache.