The Butterfly

She looks at herself in the mirror and she recognizes herself once again. 

She is the fiery one, the lioness of the house. The one who lectures a lot and repeats what she says. Her nickname is Suho from exo. The girl who argues with her dad to let her pursue what she wants. The girl who always does her best to do what she believes is right. The girl who yells, shouts and cries. The girl who is so full of life and excitement and hope.

This girl looks into the mirror and she sees  herself as she always was, a beautiful butterfly getting ready to spread her wings and fly. 

My fear

 When I was manic, my paranoia and delusions were related to shaitan. I felt like I could see him everywhere - in my interactions with people, to the thoughts that I was being bombarded with. And I was terrified. 

My fear of shaitan felt so real, that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling this sense of dread and petrified to my bed. I then texted a friend who had been my safe space during this experience. 

After feeling a bit clamer I got out of bed, and walked down the hallway outside my bedroom, thinking to myself how should I overcome this fear. I remember telling myself maybe you should befriend your fear but that meant befriending shaitan and that was a terrifying thought. 

I then decided to try pretending to shoot at shaitan. If I couldn't befriend him the maybe I could  shoot him outa of existence. Pew Pew Pew I went like a crazy person, except I know I'm not crazy, I was just going through something.

That night ended with me talking my younger sister's ear off (who was awake at the time), and then standing for Fajr prayer. Except by then I was so exhausted I remember I recited surah ikhlas in my first rakah and boom, next thing I know I'm passed out on the floor. I needed help going back to bed that night.

The ghost

She looks at herself in the mirror and she doesn't recognize herself. 

She used to be the fiery one, the tigress of the house. The one who lectures a lot and repeats what she says. Her nickname was Suho from exo. The girl who would argue with her dad to let her pursue what she wants. The girl who always did her best to do what she believes is right. The girl who would yell, shout and cry. The girl who was full of life and excitement and hope.

But now she doesn't know who this girl is anymore. She looks at herself in the mirror and it's like she's become a ghost - a shadow of herself - not quite there.

Version 4: 25 things about me

This is a re-write of the 25 things about me post that I'd thought I'd do for fun as things have really changed since the last post which you can find here. 

1. I love cats and anything cute, although my definition of cute is more like silly  
2. I have 2 beautiful children under the age of 5 who I love dearly and who I think of as my little kitties sometimes.
3. I don’t know what to do with my life - I used to want to program video games but now I’m not so sure about that anymore 
4. I haven't finished playing a video game since having kids - I keep starting them only to drop them mid-way.
5. I want to die young doing something that pleases Allah. 
6. I honestly don’t see the point of asking for a long life when we’re going to die one day and live our forever lives in the hereafter - may Allah grant us all Jannat Al Firdous without hisab.
7. I love learning about respectful parenting and learning to parent the way the Prophet (saw) did
8. I live in Pakistan now after living in Saudi for most of my life and it honestly has it’s plus points and negative points.
9. I love talking about psychology with my sister - I love hearing her ideas and sharing what I’ve learned as well.
10. After finally experiencing seasons, spring is my favourite season - it’s not too hot and not too cold, also the fruits are delicious. 
11. I love oranges in the winter. 
12. Fruits in Pakistan taste the best - this is’t much of a fact about me as it an opinion. Although I consider it a fact.
13. My favourite Pakistani sweets are gulab jamen and barfee.
14. I’m lactose intolerant so I have to take lactaid before eating anything with milk in it.
15. I love dipping Sooper cookies into a freshly made hot cup of tea. Let’s just say I’ve turned into a tea lover. 
16. One of my favourite places to shop for books is from tadabburbooks. 
17. I love the smell of coffee. 
18. My favourite exercise is running. 
19. I’ve got stomach problems - can’t really eat spicy food otherwise my stomach gets upset. Outside food is also a problem.
20. I’m a terrible designer. Been trying to design something for a blog idea but haven’t gotten anywhere 
21. I am on bipolar medication - I nearly had.a full blown manic episode in the summer but alhamdulilah because of my family and Allah’s guidance I was protected. 
22. My medication makes me very sleepy and restless - sometimes sitting still can be very painful. 
23. I am not ashamed of being bipolar and would like to talk to people about my experience. 
24. My husband is my best friend - after my sister Sundus of course :p
25. Travelling with small children can make me anxious but I like travelling to different places with my small family and would like to do more travelling in the future.

Version 3: 25 things about me

Felt like re-writing this after four years in order to compare how much I have changed and this is the result. You can find the previous list here. 

1. I am a crazy cat lover who has asthmatic reactions when coming in contact with cats for even a few minutes
2. I majored in computer science so that I could make my own games as a Muslim developer - because having played Assassin’s Creed, I was disappointed that it borrowed ideas from our Muslim heritage while not making the main character Muslim 
3. I have an interest in teaching and learning through the game model 
4. I have recently become interested in Minecraft because of it’s potential to encourage learning code and languages 
5. I love my alone time. It is especially important to me as I get older as I have very little of it and it’s the only time when I can explore my own interests
6. I recently realised that I have developed a fixed mindset when it comes to creativity and creating. I am afraid of failing. However, I am working on shifting to a growth mindset
7. It is extremely difficult for me to find motivation nowadays as I am either too exhausted to think, or too disorganised
8. I want to open my own cat shelter one day, however, it seems very unlikely I ever will if I continue having reactions towards them
9. Problem solving has become a habit for me - in fact if you complain to me, I will start problem solving all your complaints and will provide solutions
10. I have become an expert at making origami paper plates
11. I am one of those crazy people who run in an Abayah at the walkways 
12. I have become more quiet and reserved as an adult 
13. I dislike talking online, or through any virtual method of communication - I prefer talking to people face to face
14. I hate social media, especially Facebook - the only reason I have not deleted my account altogether is because it is the only way I can keep in touch with certain friends and family
15. I prefer my MAC over my PC for everyday use
16. I believe in neutering your house cat as it prevents potential animal abuse on the cat itself and it’s future babies :( Especially since you cannot physically take care of all it's children. 
17. My family means a lot to me, in fact, I cannot imagine living far away from them
18. I am 23 years old and I still own a stuffed seal and penguin which sit on my bed and which I occasionally talk to
19. I like to feel like I am in control of my life, and that I am not being forced into doing anything by anyone
20. I have severe OCD when it comes to hygiene
21. I cannot watch or play anything unless I feel like it is worth my time - it also has to be clean (ie nothing rated R)
22. I believe street cats deserve love and attention just as much as any other cat
23. I prefer reading children books over adult books 
24. I will never get tired of watching Lord of the Rings: the cinematography is amazingly done
25. I want to travel to Japan and Korea and eat Ramen at one of those halal certified local stores 

I’ve always found computers fascinating ...

In my family, I’m the girl who’s broken more laptops then anyone else, not because I can’t take care of them, but because I’m always experimenting with them in some way or another. My first laptop used to crashing constantly due to a problem in it’s hard disk (which I believe was kind of my fault) and I remember formatting it each time it refused to turn on, which was quite often. Eventually getting tired of losing data, I learned how to partition my hard disk (because I really didn’t have access to an external hard disk). I was only fourteen at the time. 

By the time I was in high school, I had a pretty good idea on how to install an operating system from scratch. Everyone in the house considered me the “technician”, requesting me to overlook their computer whenever things got too slow. I also had a knack for solving computer problems by scrolling through forums whenever I was faced with the “blue screen of death” and trying out different solutions. My motto was, and still is: there’s always an answer. 

Even then, being more interested in playing video games, I never really delved deep enough into the inner workings of the computer, and thus, I never tried my hands at programming (something I deeply regret). This was partly because we never took programming in high school, and I never thought of looking into it myself. That is, until I decided I wanted to major in Computer Science. My decision was greatly influenced by my love for video games. “I want to become a video game developer and influence people with my ideas” -  Said my naive younger self. After researching about the field, I decided computer science would be the best way to go. Little did I know about the journey I was about to embark on. 

“The more I learn about the internet, the more magical it seems.”

Most of the courses I’m taking this semester are in someway connected to the Internet: Computer Networks, Web Design and Information Security. And honestly, I have to say, I’m pretty much captivated by what the internet is. Just imagining tiny packets consisting only of 0s and 1s travelling over hundreds of miles only to reach their destination in the form of text, pictures, or video is enough to make my mind whirl. And actually knowing what’s going on behind the scenes, makes waiting for an excruciatingly slow page to load so much more interesting. 

#RandomThoughts 

The States 2014 - part 2

I love how I end up writing posts titled, "Blalalala - part 1" and yet never get around to writing part 2, or 3 for that matter. I might as well leave out the part 1 to begin with! :p 

With that in mind, I thought perhaps I should make a part two post before people start thinking I can't keep my promises. So here's part two of our stay in the States. (albeit, a very short post) 

(You can find part one here)

During the last few days in Louisville, my dad's friend took us to what they call the walking bridge (officially referred to as the "The Big Four Bridge"). The walking bridge is a pedestrian and bicycle only bridge that was initially made as a railway. Interestingly, it has a line of deaths connected to it’s making and is the only bridge in Louisville to have suffered so many casualties. The bridge connects the two states, Indiana and Kentucky, while passing over the Ohio River. Below are a couple of photographs of our walk (or rather run) across the bridge with frequent stops to take pictures. I was fasting and tired but the exercise was quite refreshing and welcoming. I did suffer some burning in my legs afterwards, but being a bit of a masochist, I really didn't mind.